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Idiots Have Talent: Sign up to be President

The twists and turns of the news reports are pushing plays and stories into the shade. Who needs to watch a police drama, or an action thriller when you’ve got the surreal events in Ukraine and West Asia to follow?

It is especially gratifying to have a central character like Donald Trump, who keeps us on our toes all the time, and never disappoints with the most amazing twists and turns, and the most outrageous statements.

On the one side we have the cool calm and collected statements and actions of the Russians, set against the hysterical, indeed, almost psychotic blatherings of Zelensky. And who could imagine having a character that used to earn his living by touring the halls playing piano with the end of a codpiece? Gosh, the people that turn up as presidents these days is a joy to behold. (But of course they are an incredible nuisance.) The trouble is, they expect to be taken seriously instead of regarded as what they really are, a music hall act. We are surely meant to laugh at them.

And over in Israel we have the villain of the peace. He specialises in killing women and children. He’s another of those peculiar people who claim to run a country.

Fancy dropping bombs on Tehran to get them to fight back, thus destroying your own country! These guys are potty.

Wait a minute, isn’t that Israeli idiot going a bit too far? Nobody would believe anyone would be so insane as to stir the beehive so the bees come along and sting you.

No wonder so many people dont like jews when there are zionists about. These Zs have this basic view of the world. Jews are god’s chosen people and they can do what they like. The rest of you, you’re gentiles; scum of the earth and you just dont count. If that’s how they think, how can they be surprised when the rest of us cross the road when we spot one?

Zionists presumably don’t think they’ve properly risen for the day if they haven’t ordered the deaths of a few more homeless women and children.

And that takes us right back to that really strange character, Donald Trump, or DT. Wait a minute. Doesn’t that stand for delirium tremens? Delirium is quite a character. He says he’s going to shut down a war on Monday, but on tuesday he decides to send more bombs to keep it going. On wednesday he’s at the peace talks, while on thursday he’s sent bombers to bomb an empty hole in the side of a mountain. I hear that cost north of $100 million. And on Thursday he is boasting that he bombed Iran’s nuclear facilities off the planet.

The good news (or is that the bad news?) is that the bombs fell on an empty place as the goods had been moved a year or more before, and all that happened was that now nobody needs to open the door to get in as it isn’t there any more.

So where are we now in the plot?

The world is at last safe for ever as the dastardly Iranians no longer have the bomb because it’s been bombed out of existence. Sounds good to me.

Wait a moment. Everybody has been saying the Iranians didn’t have a bomb in the first place. So how did Delirium manage to bomb it? So DT spent more than $100 million of tax payer’s money sending loads of bombers about 3,000 miles to bomb an empty building. Fascinating stuff, this plot. Who thinks up this garbage?

Oh, sorry. This isn’t garbage at all; it’s keeping us up each night watching the latest instalment. I wish my books sold this well.

I’m not sure I can keep up with this. Are we supposed to try and decipher the character of Delirium? Or (is this the beginning of a crucial sub-plot) was he lied to by his trusted advisors? Yikes! Is there a spy in his midst? Will he or she be found out in time to stop the next blunder? Tune in again tomorrow to get the next instalment.

Gosh, how can one sleep at night with all the excitement?

However, the next chapter has us all facing in the opposite direction. There was no declaration of war. In fact there was an ongoing diplomatic get-together going on at the time, and DT said the talks were going well.

And there’s trouble on the hill. Congressmen are uptight. “We make war, not Delirium. But nobody bothered to ask us.”

“No Kings in America,” goes up the battle-cry. Gosh, there’s even talk of impeachment.

Where have we got to in our instalments of this amazing story?

I suspect we’ve reached saturday morning.

Now everybody is gloomy. Apparently sending bombers to attack a country’s installation is not just an act of war but it is regarded as a war crime. We are rushing to the books. Oh dear! The news is bad. Apparently such an act is one of the worst forms of war crimes because it’s what starts wars.

My next door neighbour cant be raised. I’m told he’s checking out whether bombing Nordstream 2 was a war crime? His wife is very worried.

A fascinating turn of events. This story is turning out to have so many ramifications that it is beginning to rival War and Peace.

So here we are on sunday morning and never fear, we have a whole new twist to the story. Kim Jong Un has made an appearance. Clearly, no modern panoply of nut cases is complete without someone with a funny name.

I cant wait for monday morning to find out what new disaster awaits our cast of lunatics.

Whatever we may think of the characters, the plot really has got everything. I wonder who writes this stuff.